Good morning Rebels, and welcome back to my life.
Today the Supreme Court of the United States ruled that it is unconstitutional to ban gay marriage by law, and that therefore all of our fifty states must immediately begin to issue marriage licenses to gay couples that wish to have them.
While the news has been greeted with overwhelming joy and enthusiasm across the Internet, with happy posts going up on Facebook and Twitter and Tumblr—kind of especially Tumblr. I mean, if you know Tumblr you know that we’re, like, basically firing out rainbow diarrhea right now—there are also a number of dissenting opinions, and I’m not just talking about the four Supreme Court Justices who dissented with the decision itself.
From “traditional marriage conservatives” lamenting the moral decline of our country to the outright homophobic tirades of the slightly more insane, today’s announcement seems like bad news for a vocal minority—though it must be pointed out, they are a minority and we live in a democracy.
But for those browbeaten and weary souls, I offer you these few pieces of advice about gay marriage, now that it’s totally and completely legal in the United States.
1. POLYGAMY STILL ISN’T LEGAL AND ISN’T LIKELY TO BE
For some reason, this is, like, a MAJOR concern with people who oppose gay marriage, that gay marriage will mean polygamous marriages are also legal.
Some have even claimed that TODAY’S decision makes polygamy legal. Well, you are wrong.
The decision clearly and explicitly states that marriage is a union between two people, so whatever voice in your head is screaming in rabid hatred at the thought of multiple people getting it on at the same time, silence that voice, my friend.
2. YOU CAN’T MOVE AWAY FROM THE PROBLEM
One very common thing you’re hearing online today is along the lines of, “That’s it. I’ve had it with this country. I’m moving to Canada.”
*strangled grunts of frustration*
Canada legalized same-sex marriage a decade ago, so moving there? Not gonna fix the problem.
They also have universal health care which is paid for by taxes on the population, and I’m guessing you’re also not a big fan of that.
Same sex marriage is also legal in New Zealand, the United Kingdom, Ireland, the Netherlands, Denmark, you know, most of the English-speaking countries of the world.
If you want to move to a country that outlaws and even legally discriminates against same-sex marriage, you can move to Australia—I’m sure they’d love to have you.
Or you could go live in Jamaica which oddly is, like, CRAZY homophobic. But 90% of the population of Jamaica is black and, again, I’m guessing that’s not exactly your kind of scene.
3. YOU DON’T HAVE TO HAVE A GAY MARRIAGE
Yeah, it turns out that part of the Supreme Court ruling was NOT a mandated gay marriage for every citizen of these United States.
Like, if you don’t like the idea of marrying another person of whatever gender you happen to be, you don’t have to.
There’s also nothing in the decision about mandatory attendance of gay weddings, and, interestingly, nothing about mandatory viewing of gay pornography.
I guess that what I’m trying to say is that the fact that gay people can now be legally wed in America doesn’t affect you. At all. In any way.
4. SERIOUSLY, IT DOESN’T AFFECT YOU
I’m gonna go ahead and stress that last point with its own entry on this list. Gay marriage doesn’t influence your life. At all.
By now we’ve seen the famous cases where businesses have refused to provide services to gay couples, from wedding cakes to pizza, and while that conduct is, frankly, kind of gross, they’re protected.
Any business has the right to refuse service to anyone, although you will catch a lot of flak for it because people can still exercise their First Amendment rights to call you an asshole.
The only people who are required to assist gay people to get married are government workers who issue marriage licenses, and that’s because if you work at a government job, you follow the law, not a religion, again because the First Amendment is a thing that exists.
I mean if you’re a post office worker you’re not allowed to NOT deliver mail just because it’s someone’s gay porn magazine, and if you work at the DMV you’re not allowed to NOT give a driver’s license to someone just because they take their driving test in a Prius.
In the end, to those who are unhappy about this decision, I will just say this: please get over it. You’re already going to be the bad guys in the Oscar-winning movie made about this day in the next five to twenty years. Don’t make it any worse than it already is.
Thank you for watching, Rebels, an extra special shoutout to my supporters on Patreon who make all of my YouTube videos possible. I will see them tomorrow with a patron-exclusive video, and I will see the rest of you on Monday. Byyye!