The Amazing Spider-Man 2 is Probably Going to Suck

Well, the new Amazing Spider-Man 2 trailer looks fucking horrendous.

Why does this franchise learn nothing from the successful/unsuccessful actions of other franchises?

I’m just pissed off at the story (or lack thereof). Who is the movie about? Green Goblin? Electro? This new stupid mechanical Rhino? Because the trailer gives equal weight to all three (well, maybe less to Rhino). And that doesn’t. Fucking. Work. That’s one of the (many) reasons that Spider-Man 3 didn’t work. 

All of the good Marvel movies have had ONE villain. 

Iron Man: Obadiah Stane. 
Thor: Loki. 
Captain America: Red Skull. 
Iron Man 2: Ivan Vanko. 
Avengers: Loki again. 
Iron Man 3: The Mandarin
Thor 2: Malekith

The original Spider-Man was decent because it had the Green Goblin. It gave us someone to focus on, and he got a lot of character development. The original Amazing Spider-Man had the Lizard, and while I thought the portrayal could have been better, it still gave us ONE thing to focus on. 

Now it’s just going to be GREEN GOBLIN! ELECTRO! STUPID SHITTY FUCKING STEAMPUNK RHINO! BAM POW BING BANG ZOOM!

BANG POW BOOM

I CAN’T FEEL MY NEURONS ANY MORE!


The rest of the story looks similarly vague. What the fuck is he talking about in the trailer? “No matter how many people I save, more will be in danger,” and shit. At least Iron Man 2, the crappiest of the Avengers franchise, had a storyline about Tony suffering from alcoholism in response to the depression of knowing he was going to die, poisoned by the arc reactor that was also keeping him alive. 

My prediction: Amazing Spider-Man 2 = shitfest. Which really sucks because I love Andrew Garfield’s Peter Parker and I looove Emma Stone’s Gwen Stacy.

If Amazing Spider-Man wanted to become the BEST FUCKING THING IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE, they’d take each one of the Sinister Six one at a time, movie by movie. MAYBE you could double up. Maybe. But don’t triple up.

Then, in the last film, have Spider Man vs. the Sinister Six. Similar to the way the Avengers worked. And during the course of those six films you could introduce people like the Black Cat, and maybe have a cameo with some other superpowered types, who could then help Spider-Man bring down the Sinister Six in the sixth film.

And then after that they’d go with symbiotes, have Spider-Man go black, reject the symbiote and then fight Venom all in one film. Then the next film after that would be Carnage, though I’d hate to see him toned down to fit PG-13. But after they get Carnage locked away, there’s the symbiote invasion.

They could even combine the two, linking them together by having Spider-Man acquire the symbiote in the Sinister Six showdown, allowing him to win. Then the film ends with a shot of the symbiote starting to take over his body. That dovetails perfectly into the following symbiote movies.

THEY COULD DO SO MUCH BETTER.

Sigh. Will someone please make me a big-shot Hollywood director? I could help you people. I really, really could.

Actually, I suppose I should thank them. Because seeing the industry do ridiculous fucking shit like this is one of the best motivations I have for continuing in my journey to make it. I want to stop things like this film or Ender’s Game from ever happening to people again.

Speaking of which, I’ve been thinking of doing a deconstruction of Ender’s Game, an article or video explaining all of the ways in which it has failed me. But I thought people might not like to see something that negative, because trust me, it’s going to be negative. What do you think? Would you care at all?

Hit me with your thoughts.

Garrett Robinson

Over 100,000 readers have read and loved Garrett's books, like the fantasy hits Nightblade and Midrealm. He's also a film festival favorite with movies like Unsaid, and a tech guru who posts lots of helpful how-tos for writers and filmmakers over at garrettbrobinson.com.

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3 comments
Penguin Sam
Penguin Sam

Spiderman R.I.P

Sam Raimi is amazing.

Sony asked for way too much last minute, I think its obvious just watching the third movie that things completely deviated from a natural pace.  I have a feeling it was supposed to be completely different, and if it were given time to be properly done, I think Raimi would have had a fourth movie on the way.

Chrichtonsworld
Chrichtonsworld

If you are familiar with Marvel comics and Spiderman especially then you would know it is very common for more heroes and villains to suddenly appear in an existing storyline. That is what makes them so much fun. Spiderman 3 was not (relatively speaking) bad because it had too many villains. It was so because Sam Raimi did not like Venom and was not willing to do more with him. Otherwise he would have probably made sandman a minor character and not made him really matter that much to the overall story. I remember sandman being a regular annoyance to Spiderman. As for the rest, I agree with the no matter how many I save speech. Spiderman would never talk like that. The whole reboot thing of this franchise is something I am not happy with. Especially since it has not been an improvement at all.

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