Hello Rebels, and welcome back to my life.
So this is going to be a really quick recap of this week’s episode of Game of Thrones, and it’s probably not gonna be under four minutes long like my normal videos, because there’s too much to cover in an hour-long TV show.
However, I will try to keep it as short as I possibly can, so here we go.
Obviously, spoilers ahead for this week’s episode, but not for the books.
The show starts off with Arya living in the House of Black and White in Braavos, trying to become a Faceless Man. Faceless Woman. I guess they can probably turn back and forth, can’t they? Boy, talk about gender fluid.
WE DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS GARRETT, MOVE ON!
And the Faceless Man she originally met is all, “Oh, you’re not ready,” and she’s like, “Oh, I’m totally ready!”
And then the random girl shows up and starts smacking her, asking her who she is, and Arya says “No one.” But then the Faceless Man asks her, if she’s no one, why does she have all of Arya’s stuff?
So she ditches all her belongings in the ocean, but when it comes to her sword, she can’t do it. Remember, Jon Snow gave her that sword, and her father hired a Braavosi instructor to teach her how to use it.
So she hides the sword in some stones near the temple. And that was great, I felt like it was true to the character and it was something I would have done.
But whenever a character does something I would have done, it always turns out bad for them in this show. So. *shrug*
Back in the house of Black and White she starts helping the other girl clean corpses, which, ew.
So clearly they’re putting Arya through a sort of Karate Kid Mister Miyagi type of training, which works in a two-hour movie but gets a little boring in a weeks-long TV show.
Fortunately there’s more exciting things going on with our other favorite Stark-who’s-not-really a Stark, Jon Snow.
Stannis offered Jon the chance to be a Stark, something he’s wanted all his life, but Jon’s the Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch now so he has to turn him down.
And Stannis said something interesting which is that Jon’s father’s honor got him killed, which is true, but a weird thing to say, because Stannis has always been about honor and justice above all else.
Ser Davos stays behind for a second to talk to Jon and says, hey, if you really want to help the Nine Kingdoms, the best way to do that MIGHT be doing what Stannis says. Just a thought.
We’ll see where that little worm of an idea leads. Who knows what could happen?
Book readers. Book readers know.
Later Jon starts dishing out his orders as the Lord Commander. He takes his former chief rival Janos Slynt and promotes him to First Ranger, which is a pretty smart political move, like a president taking their chief opponent in the primaries and naming them Vice President.
There was a rift in the group, but now the two sides have reconciled with each other, everything’s good, right? Wrong, because Janos Slynt’s right hand man can’t just be cool, dude.
He refuses Jon’s orders and insults him, so Jon brings him outside for an execution.
The guy pleads for mercy because he’s a little crybaby, and Jon almost doesn’t do it. And we’ve seen him NOT do this many, many times before.
But it seems like Jon Snow finally DOES know something, because he does the do.
Yeah so for anyone who thought Jon was going to be all puppies and rainbows as the Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch, one—have you even seen this show?
And two—he might be a basically good guy, but he’s going to do what he needs to do to protect the Nine Kingdoms against the ice zombies coming down from the north.
There’s more Stark drama back at Winterfell, where Roose Bolton is talking to Ramsay Snow, or, as he’s now known, Ramsay Bolton.
Ramsay’s just killed some people, like you do, and Roose is all, “You know, MAYBE killing everyone that works for us isn’t the best way to instill workplace efficiency.
He says the best way to strengthen their alliance is by marriage, and he just happens to have the perfect girl in mind for his son.
That’s when we see Sansa Stark and Littlefinger, riding for Moat Cailin. So it appears I was COMPLETELY wrong about Littlefinger, he’s not only bringing Sansa CLOSE to Ramsay Bolton, he’s going to have them be MARRIED.
This seems like complete insanity, but when Littlefinger talks to Ramsay later, he says he knows very little about the boy.
So that COULD explain why he’s handing Sansa over. Or he doesn’t care about her as much as he says—though I don’t think that’s true—or he has a greater plan in mind.
Personally, that’s what I think. There’s no way Littlefinger wouldn’t have done at least a LITTLE research, and even a little research would reveal that Ramsay Snow is a complete psychopath.
Then Roose Bolton and Littlefinger have a little discussion where Roose is like, “Hey, you’re betraying the Lannisters,” and Littlefinger’s all, “Pssh, of course, they’re all weak and stuff.”
And then Roose goes, “So how come I have a message for you from them? You still palling around with those guys?
These two are both blatant traitors, and it seems pretty clear their alliance isn’t based on anything more than mutually shared goals—for the time being.
Now fortunately Brienne and Podric are both following Sansa this whole time, and they’re still planning to rescue Sansa at the earliest opportunity.
And they have a little chit-chat, and it seems like they might be starting to become friends. Which is awesome. They’re two really, really great characters.
So, it’s probably only a matter of time before they both die. That’s not a spoiler! I don’t know that from the books, but let’s face it, the show is paying only TOKEN attention to the books at this point.
But not TOLKIEN attention, amirite? Am…AM I right? Apparently not.
We move on to King’s Landing, where we start off with Marjorie getting married to Cersei’s second son Tommen.
And what a relief it was for everyone on the PLANET when we had a wedding where no one died. Holy crap.
Cersei’s not completely happy, of course, because she’s been a total B to Marjorie this whole time. And now Marjorie’s not only married to Tommen, she’s sleeping with him. And he’s a teenage boy.
So do you think he’s going to be listening to his mother now, or the girl who he’s…you know…yeah.
Marjorie cleverly guides Tommen to the idea that Cersei should go home to Casterly Rock, which I was just, like…oh, God, please, yes, DO THAT THING.
But Cersei, being Cersei, has a clever plan.
The High Septon, who’s basically like the Game of Thrones version of the Pope, is caught in a brothel in a scene I definitely can’t show you on a YouTube video, and then marched through the streets by these brown-robed religious fanatics called Sparrows.
He asks Cersei and the small council for help and Cersei’s like, “You know what, nah.” And she throws him in a dungeon.
Then she goes and talks to the leader of the Sparrows, saying how she wants to promote him to High Septon. And she goes on about the sanctity of the religion in the land, but of course we all know that’s a load of bull.
In the preview for next week we hear Cersei telling someone—presumably the new High Septon—that there’s “a sinner right in their midst.”
So this of course seems like her plan to get rid of Marjorie—put an honest man in the position of religious power, then convince him the new Queen is a sinner and have the Sparrows cast her out.
We’ll see if it works, who knows?
Book readers. Book readers know.
One other event of note happens in King’s Landing. She goes and visits Qyburn, the new Master of Whisperers, who’s a disgraced Maester she already tasked with healing the Mountain (the guy who crushed Oberyn Martell’s head).
After she leaves, there’s a THING on the table behind Qyburn that jerks around under a blanket like Frankenstein’s freaking monster, and Qyburn mutters soothingly to it.
So it looks like the Mountain is coming back. And that will not be a good thing. For anyone. Probably.
Finally we get to everyone’s favorite character, not just from the show, but from anything ever. Tyrion Lannister.
Seriously, if you don’t think Tyrion is just the best person ever, you should just…you should just go.
Tyrion is tired of riding in a carriage, and he wants to get out, and Varys is the smart person in the carriage, so he wants Tyrion to stay in. There’s a price on the dwarf’s head, and he’ll be in danger if he goes outside.
But Tyrion is nothing if not headstrong, so he gets out of the carriage in the middle of a city and visits a brothel (because of course he does), in another scene I definitely can’t show you on a YouTube video.
But in that brothel is none other than Ser Jorah Mormont, Daenerys Targaryan’s former advisor, and he spots Tyrion from across the room.
So when Tyrion goes to take a leak, Jorah sneaks up behind him, bundles him up, and carries him off, saying he’s taking Tyrion “to the Queen.”
Now, Queen Cersei is the one who wants Tyrion dead, but I don’t think Jorah would call her the Queen. He’s still too loyal to Daenerys. So we can reasonably assume that Jorah is going to take the dwarf to Daenerys in Meereen.
Considering that’s where Tyrion was headed in the first place, this isn’t really too dramatic a development, although having to face Daenerys without Varys’ help will certainly be an extra challenge.
That’s this week’s episode, and a LOT of pawns have been moved into place for some really killer mid-season storylines. Now as I mentioned earlier, the show has deviated QUITE A LOT from the books. I could be wrong, but I don’t think the Sansa storyline was in the books at all.
What this means is that even for book readers like me, there’s a lot of surprises and twists to look forward to that we can’t necessarily predict, and that just means a more enjoyable show for everyone.
No questions for this week Rebels, this video’s already long enough, just tell me your favorite part of the show in the comments and your favorite theory about what’s going to happen next, and please—tag your spoilers.
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Thanks so much for watching, and I will see you tomorrow. Maybe. Byyye.