6 Reasons Florida Isn’t As Crazy As You Want To Believe

6 Reasons Florida Isn’t As Crazy As You Want To Believe

People love to talk about the fact that Florida is the craziest state of all of the states.

Two friends of mine in particular love to harp on Florida every time something crazy happens there, and can you blame them?

Someone in Miami ate bath salts and then ate a guy’s face.

Trayvon Martin was killed in what many believe was a racially motivated crime, and whether you believe Zimmerman was racist or not, you can’t deny that the law is applied in the state in a racist manner since black people never successfully defend themselves in court with the Stand Your Ground law.

Then recently some dudes in a Florida movie theater got into an argument because one of them was texting, and then the other dude WHIPPED OUT A GUN AND SHOT HIM.

Holy shit.

Plus, Floridians are just dumb! Remember the whole “hanging chad” thing in the Bush/Gore elections?

That’s still topical, right?

Well, I lived in Florida for about a year going into my teens, and for some reason I feel this compels me to find a defense for the state IF THERE IS ONE.

But I don’t just want to say, “I lived there, and I can tell you that it’s not all bad.”

That’s “analogy as evidence,” and it’s a logical fallacy. The same fallacy, in fact, that people use to prove that Florida IS crazy by listing the above stories as evidence.

They aren’t evidence. They’re anecdotes. There’s a difference.

So what is the evidence about whether or not Florida is the craziest state in the country?

THEY HOLD NO MONOPOLY ON BATH SALTS

Let’s start with bath salts. On May 26th, 2013, some dude in Miami gets high on bath salts, strips naked and then runs up to another man and eats his face, which everyone was sure was the start of the zombie apocalypse.

(Ah, if only).

First of all, CBS Miami debunked this with the actual toxicology report that stated that the man who ate the other man’s face was not high on bath salts or any other toxic substance other than marijuana.

Do not start a legalization debate in the comments.

But let’s pretend that CBS Miami is biased and was hired by Big Tourism to bury the story because they wanted all those sweet tourism dollars for people who go to Miami for the strippers and beaches and strippers and tequila and strippers.

Well the thing about bath salts is that one, they’re neither exclusively manufactured nor consumed in the state of Florida. The truth is, bath salts are a commonly available product in all fifty states, and in nearly all of them you can get the kind that makes you go bat-shit crazy and want to eat a motherfucker in the face.

By extensive research —

— meaning five seconds of Googling —

I uncovered almost a dozen other incidents of bath salts insanity occurring BEFORE the face eater in a variety of states.

The states in that article are Virginia, Louisiana, Florida, Washington, West Virginia, New York, South Carolina, Florida and Ohio, but one of those Floridas is the face-eater.

Okay, so with two incidents, Florida does win the bath salts war according to one article, IF we take the face-eating attack as genuine despite toxicology reports stating the opposite.

I’m going to let you have that one because I want the zombie apocalypse to be real.

THEY’RE NOT THE MOST RACIST STATE

Let’s talk about Trayvon Martin.

Trayvon Martin’s (or rather George Zimmerman’s) court case was one of the most highly-publicized court cases since O.J. Simpson.

(Again with the topical references).

And yes, Zimmerman got away without ANY conviction because of Florida’s Stand Your Ground Law, because only the worst state in the world would allow a law that allows you to kill someone if you feel threatened and walk away consequence-free REGARDLESS OF WHAT YOU YOURSELF DID TO PRECIPITATE THE SITUATION, INCLUDING IGNORING A 911 OPERATOR WHO TOLD YOU TO BACK THE FUCK OFF AND LET THE LICENSED PROFESSIONALS HANDLE IT, which would probably get you manslaughter if the state prosecutors were smart enough to charge you with that and not second-degree murder.

Well, here’s the thing: a large majority of states in America have a Stand Your Ground Law. In fact there are only 18 states that DON’T have one.

So clearly the problem is that Florida is just more racist, right? I mean, they enforce the law to protect white people and ignore it so they can send black people to jail.

No. They’re not the worst state in the application of this law. They’re not the most racist state in the application of this law. They’re not even the most common state in the application of this law. They’re just the most widely publicized state in the application of this law because of one court case that was easy to sensationalize.

Check out this site endstandyourground.wordpress.com, with a terribly edited and crappily mixed video showing black people who were killed under Stand Your Ground immunity in states across the country and also showing white people getting away scott-free.

If you’re trying to make the point that the American justice system is racist, I’ll listen, but if you’re trying to make the point that Florida is the most racist state, you’re making a point that is wrong.

TheTopTens.com posted an online poll asking which was the most racist state, and users around the country voted Mississipi into the number one spot.

Florida came in 6th.

Some people at polycimic.com who are way better at math and cartography than I am produced two maps showing which were the most and least racist AND homophobic states in America, with blue states being the least racist and red states being the most racist.

(Talk about pushing a liberal agenda).

Funnily enough, Florida didn’t get a single blip of red in either category.

In the wake of the Martin/Zimmerman case, many organizations saw the case as the latest example of racially-motivated violence in AMERICA AS A WHOLE, not just Florida.

Check out this linked article about racially motivated murders of black youth in America.

Carefully note how many times Florida appears on that list.

That’s right: once, for Trayvon Martin.

Check Wikipedia’s list of lynching deaths in the U.S. Oklahoma has 6 pages. Illinois has 6 pages. Alabama and Tennessee have 5 pages. Georgia, Montana, Texas and Wyoming have 4 pages. Florida has only 1.

THEY’RE NOT THE MOST BATSHIT INSANELY VIOLENT STATE

The cop who shot someone in the movie theater for texting?

That guy was absolutely BATSHIT INSANE and in no way representative of the entire state of Florida being the craziest state any more than Jeffrey Dahmer is representative of the entire state of Wisconsin being cannibals.

Come to think of it, isn’t the Aurora, Colorado shooting a whole lot more insane than that guy? Why isn’t Colorado the craziest state?

In terms of gun violence, Florida is the 9th highest state.

Now that sucks, being in the top 20% and all, but that’s not even close to the top spot, and their annual gun deaths of 3.9 out of every 100,000 citizens pales in comparison to Missouri’s 5.4, Louisiana’s 7.7 and Washington D.C.’s —

— Holy shit, is that right? —

— 16.5.

Well, Florida must not have a very good general murder rate, either, right? Let’s get them on that, those crazy Floridians who are…the 17th-highest murder rate in the country.

That’s really far from the worst state in the country.

Let’s take school shootings.

Actually, let’s not TAKE school shootings, let’s do something about them, but let’s use them as an example in this case.

Florida is tied for second place in the list of most incidents of school shootings in American history, according to Wikipedia. There have been 9 school shootings in the state of Florida, as well as 9 in Michigan. However, the worst state in the country in terms of number of school shootings is —

Ooh, you’re not going to like this.

California, my home state, with 19 GODDAMN SCHOOL SHOOTINGS.

Rank it by number of deaths, and Florida falls even further behind.

Number one is Virginia, with 35 deaths in school shootings.

Florida is in 6th place with 9.

Again, these are not glowing facts of recommendation about Florida. 9 deaths is not a GOOD number. It’s just not the WORST number, either. All I’m trying to prove is that people campaigning that Florida is the WORST state are wrong in every category.

Except maybe bath salts, but honestly I didn’t research that as extensively because I secretly anticipate the zombie apocalypse and don’t want to uncover something that could prevent it.

THEY’RE NOT THE DUMBEST STATE

But I mean, Florida’s stupid, right? I mean, hanging chads! They’re dumb, ignorant Southern folk! They’ve got to be!

Sorry, no. They’ve got the 11th-lowest IQ rate, which isn’t something I would brag about to out-of-towners, but far from the worst, especially when you consider that California is the third-LOWEST IQ state in the country, and Florida’s average IQ isn’t even three points lower than New York’s.

New York and California are supposed to be the enlightened centers of culture and understanding in our country, and they are in the dumber half of our country.

THEY’RE NOT A BUNCH OF [WHATEVER POLITICAL PARTY YOU HATE]

Maybe you want to get political about it. Maybe you think Republicans are terrible, and Florida’s mostly Republican and so it’s the worst state.

Or you might be Republican and think, “Bath salts and eating people’s faces? Sounds like a Democratic liberal conspiracy!”

In either case, you’d be totally and completely WRONG.

Voter party registration places 35% of Floridians in the Republican party and 39% of them in the Democratic party, with about 26% either in a third party or unaffiliated.

That means a minor majority are Democratic, but not enough to really matter statistically speaking.

When you look at how they voted in the last general election, the margin becomes even more insignificant, with 49.9% voting for Obama and 49.03% voting for Romney.

While that was a pretty big deal in the election because of the electoral vote it gave Obama, it also shows that Florida is pretty evenly divided among the —

— totally bogus, invented and fundamentally flawed —

— two party line.

So you can’t blame your Floridian prejudice on uneducated right-wing bible-thumping conservatism OR homosexual agenda-pushing limp-wristed overspending liberalism.

THEY AREN’T THE CRAZIEST STATE

Finally let’s take one last fact.

We’ve been debating whether Florida is the craziest state in the country.

Actually, we haven’t been debating, I’ve been telling you facts and you’ve been trying not to fall asleep because you want to find something in this video you can prove me wrong about and thus negate my whole argument.

But let’s talk about actual “crazy.” Who IS the craziest state?

Well, according to the Huffington Post, Florida is the fourth SANEST state in the country.

The craziest state is apparently Rhode Island.

I guess I believe that. I mean, they’ve got teenagers randomly passing out in high schools in Rhode Island. Shit is crazy.

STOP HATING FLORIDA

So there you have it. I’m not saying Florida is the best place in the world.

If you tried to get me to move there, I would tell you to go fuck yourself.

The weather sucks, and it’s filled with old people in their retirement, not exactly my kind of place. But they are far from the worst state in this great nation of ours.

People just love to tell anecdotal stories about it and use them for evidence in the case that “Florida is the worst state in the country.”

It’s just not.

They’re just another state. The people there are just people.

Yes, there are crazy people there, but there are crazy people everywhere.

Do you think that making fun of them or calling them the “craziest state” helps anything, or does it just make you feel like an elitist jackhole and you like that feeling?

Why DO people love making fun of Florida and calling it the worst/craziest state, anyway?

My theory? Because it looks like a giant dick.

And dick jokes never get old.

Garrett Robinson

Over 100,000 readers have read and loved Garrett's books, like the fantasy hits Nightblade and Midrealm. He's also a film festival favorite with movies like Unsaid, and a tech guru who posts lots of helpful how-tos for writers and filmmakers over at garrettbrobinson.com.

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